TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
10. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
9. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that
time management course you sent me to.
8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-off. You probably got
here just in time.
7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm.
6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory against people who practice Yoga?
4. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem.
3. The coffee machine is broken.
2. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.
and the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk .
1. . . in Jesus' name. Amen.
1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn
2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...
I Just Can't Remember It All
7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes,
13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)
My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About
19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party
(on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge
21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich
22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
24) IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be
25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt
29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
31) In America, Anyone Can Be President.
That's One of the Risks You Take.
32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
The individual is the end of the Universe.
Miguel de Unamuno, TRAGIC SENSE OF LIFE
Morality is herd instinct in the individual.
Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
_Die Frohliche Wissenschaft [The Gay Science]_ (1882)
Everyman has a mob self and an individual self, in varying proportions.
D.H. Lawrence (1885-1930), 1929
Certain defects are necessary for the existance of individuality.
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832)
There is no such thing as society: there are individual men and women, and
there are families.
The duty to be alive is the same as the duty to become oneself,
to develop into the individual one potentially is.
The liberty of the individual must be thus far limited: he must not make
himself a nuisance to other people.
John Stuart Mill (1806-1873)
The individual is the central, rarest,
most precious resource of our society.
Peter F. Drucker (b. 1909)
quoted in Arthur Goodfriend's WHAT IS AMERICA? (1954)
So much of learning to be an American is learning not to let your
individuality become a nuisance.
Edgar Z. Friedenberg, THE VANISHING ADOLESCENT,
"The Impact of the School", 1959.
In some ways you no longer exist as an individual in the Ministry of Justice
... Most secretly find it a relief to have the state divest them of the
trouble of being an independent person.
The Mechanic, fictional character
in Peter Hoeg's, _Smilla's Sense of Snow_ (Tiina Nunnely, tr.),
Danish (c) 1992, English translation (c) 1993, Dell,
ISBN 0-440-21853-5 (paperback), p 225
Underneath all, individuals,
I swear nothing is good to me now that ignores individuals,
The American compact is altogether with individuals,
The only government is that which makes minute of individuals,
The whole theory of the universe is directed unerringly to one single individual -- namely to You.
Walt Whitman's (1819-1892) _Leaves of Grass_
"By Blue Ontario's Shore", section 15.
Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think
I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"?
"Calvin and Hobbes" by Bill Watterson
There exists no politician in India daring enough to attempt to explain
to the masses that cows can be eaten.
Indira Gandhi (1917-1984)
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
to kill you too."
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well the horned head:
We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
Your friends to death before their time.
Moping, melancholy mad:
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
A. E. Housman (1859-1936)
They also keep a horned cow
as proud as any queen;
but music turns her head like ale,
and makes her wave her tufted tail
and dance upon the green.
J. R. R. Tolkien (1892-1973), The Lord of The Rings.
A purple cow is a confirming instance of the hypothesis that all
crows are black.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you anyhow,
I'd rather see than be one!"
Gelett Burgess (1866-1951), "The Purple Cow" (1895)
Ah, yes! I wrote the `Purple Cow'--
I'm sorry now I wrote it!
But I can tell you anyhow
I'll kill you if you quote it!
Gelett Burgess (1866-1951), "CONFESSION"
"Cinq Ans Apres" (1900)
I've never seen a purple cow
I never hope to see one
But from the milk we're getting now
There certainly must be one
Ogden Nash (1902-1971)
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
I m on a seafood diet. I eat every food I see.
Once you're dead, you've got all of eternity in front of you to diet in.
Sara Paretsky (in one of the V.I. Warshawski murder mysteries)
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in
fourteen days I lost two weeks.
Joe E Lewis
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the
second day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason (1916-1987)
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but
you must eat it with naked fat people.