A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He
lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the
second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the
airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the
casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send
the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his
drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of
my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was
barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but
his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his
luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay
for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The business man got in the
first cab in the line.
"How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?" Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked
the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend
at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
"How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman said, "Ok" and off they went.
Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave
a big smile and thumbs up sign to all the other drivers.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley,
when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart
surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his
bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a
question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his
hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can
open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I
finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance
and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically
the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic... "Try doing it while it's running!"
1.) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are
well within the price range of most people --
whether they are employed or not.
2.) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born
evil.
3.) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry
which wire to cut. You will always choose the right
one.
4.) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to over-
ride the communications system of any invading
alien society.
5.) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered
in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies
will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their predecessors.
6.) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything
in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just
slightly bluish.
7.) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to
become a world expert on nuclear fission at the
age of 22.
8.) Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally
gunned down three days before their retirement.
9.) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer
to kill their arch enemies using complicated
machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly
gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will
allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10.) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that
reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist
level on the man lying beside her.
11.) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
stick of French bread.
12.) It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing
there is someone in the control tower to talk you
down.
13.) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even
while scuba diving.
14.) You're very likely to survive any battle in any
war unless you make the mistake of showing someone
a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15.) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or
Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak
the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16.) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in
Paris.
17.) A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries
to clean his wounds.
18.) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will
be thrown through it before long.
19.) If staying in a haunted house, women should
investigate any strange noises in their most
revealing underwear.
20.) Word processors never display a cursor on screen
but will always say: Enter Password Now.
21.) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road,
it is necessary to turn the steering wheel
vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22.) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices
with large red readouts so you know exactly when
they're going to go off.
23.) A detective can only solve a case once he has been
suspended from duty.
24.) If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25.) Police departments give their officers personality
tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned
a partner who is their total opposite.
26.) When they are alone, all foreign military officers
prefer to speak to each other in English.